He's gonna take you back to the past
To play the shitty games that suck ass
He'd rather have a buffalo
Take a diarrhea dump in his ear
He'd rather eat the rotten asshole
Of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard
He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd
He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd
He's the Angry Video Game Nerd
This is a video game.
This is what you immediately think of whenever you hear the term.
It's the Atari 2600, and it defines the word "classic".
Even though the games are so simple and the graphics so primitive,
it has a charm that will never be matched.
The objects and characters just barely represent what they're suppose to be,
but that's the whole beauty of it: that you have to use your imagination.
The sound effects?
(8-bit explosion sound)
Just... awesome.
And the lack of music just enhances the mood.
It's that special kinda atmosphere when it's in the middle of the night
and you're sitting in the glow of your TV with sound of crickets.
The Atari had the longest lifespan of any home video game system,
and when people say Atari, they're usually referring to the 2600.
But, in between its existence, Atari made other systems which came and went.
And one of these was the Atari 5200.
It was meant to replace the 2600,
although ironically, it failed and faded away, while the 2600 lived on.
Why don't many people remember this, and why did it die off so quick?
Because it's a pile of fucking shit!
Why? Well, just look at it.
Look at how huge this beast is, it's ginormous!
And why is there a door on it?
Is this a video game console or a fucking closet?
Even the AC adapter weighs a million tons.
(thud and explosion)
So, I'm gonna plug this son of a bitch in here.
There we go. Get all this shit out of the way.
Now, where do I plug the other end in? Doesn't it go into the Atari?
Well, you can look all over the system, but there's no power connector.
There's a separate box that you have to plug it in.
Now, seriously, have you ever seen one of these?
Other than the Atari 5200, I haven't.
So, you plug this bastard in.
Then there's one wire coming out of the system, so you plug that into the box--
Whoa! Did you see that? That can't be good.
Look, sparks. No joke.
So anyway, the AC adapter and TV actually share the same wire.
So, I don't know what they were thinking.
I mean, maybe they were thinking it would be more convenient
to have less wires running across your floor, but
they knew that they fucked up, because later they re-released the Atari 5200
with the traditional two separate wires, instead of just, you know, this thing.
But that one had two controller ports instead of four, I think.
Now, we want to hook this thing up to that TV, but, it's not gonna be easy.
I mean, just look at all these games.
And every one of them has their own AC adapter and RCA cables,
or those weird box things, all going in to the same TV.
So, I don't know how we're gonna do it,
but we gotta get back there and plug this sucker in.
(Underground music from Super Mario Bros plays)
(mutters) Shit!
(Hurry Up warning from Super Mario Bros plays)
(Underground music from Super Mario Bros plays faster)
(You Have Died jingle from Super Mario Bros plays)
That TV is just out of the question. It's a little too busy back there.
But, that's OK, because I believe the only true way to play Atari
is on an old piece of shit like that.
(Peter Gunn Theme from Spy Hunter plays)
Damn!
Damn! Damn!
(Blaster Master Level 1 music plays)
(yells, thud)
Fuck!
(King K. Rool theme from Donkey Kong Country plays)
Oh, you son of a bitch.
(mutters) God, you're a heavy mother fucker.
(yells in pain, yells "fuck" repeatedly)
Now, after all that trouble I went through, let's play some damn games.
Well, we haven't played the games yet,
but I can definitely tell you the cartridges suck,
because they don't have end labels. I mean, come on!
The Atari 2600 games were all conveniently labeled
so you can easily pick out a game.
But the 5200, you have to pull each one out to see 'em.
What a buncha shit.
All right, let's try this one out. So, OK, here we go.
Now, listen: when you hit the power button,
the box makes this weird clicking sound.
I'm afraid this thing might blow up.
This controller is a piece of shit!
What's the most important aspect about any fucking game?
Well, being able to fucking play it.
And what do you need to fucking play it? A fucking controller.
So what do you do when the controller doesn't work? You're fucked.
This is the reason the system failed. This!
In the name of God, heaven, and hell, everything in-between,
every creature on earth, by the far reaches of the galaxy,
by inner rims of the universe, and every megaverse in the ultraverse,
let it be known, let the word be known:
this controller is fucking horrible!
Well, tell you the truth,
it is true that the controllers were notorious for malfunction,
but they were pretty innovative for their time.
For one thing, they're analog, so they're capable of more sensitive movement.
They also have a pause button, which,
believe it or not, was a new thing back then.
Also, there's these two buttons on each side,
which I think was a bit excessive for these type of games.
Then there's all these numeric buttons.
Like, what the shit is this? Is this thing a phone?
Like, what is this all for?
Is it like, talking to intergalactic space aliens, flying fuckernauts, or astro-bastards?
Now there's another one: the Trak-Ball Controller.
But it's an ungodly abomination that begs for apocalypse.
Look at it! It's like, as big as a VCR or DVD player.
It's big enough to be the game system, let alone the controller.
Look! It's almost as big as a Nintendo, I mean--
no, look, I think it's slightly bigger than the Nintendo.
What a beast!
But the ultimate question is: does it work?
Well, does it?
No, it doesn't.
What a piece of shit.
Well, we can't play the games, but, we could at least look at 'em.
We don't have to stand for this shit. There exist alternatives.
Did you know that you can plug a Sega Genesis controller
into an Atari 2600, and it'll work?
See, that's the interesting thing about Atari.
You can find all kinds of different... stuff that's compatible.
As for the 5200, there exists third-party controllers,
made for the reason of replacing the shitty controller that the system came with.
So, let's take a trip into the cyber world known the Internet and take a look.
(Music from Paperboy plays)
There we go.
(smack) Ugh!
All right.
OK. Let's play this bitch.
(Game Over jingle from Super Mario Bros plays)
FUCK!