[James] We're living life here.
[Mike] Stock market. [Bootsy] Taxes due.
[James] I just got married! [Mike] Ooh, payday!
[Bootsy] Ah! [James] All right, you forfeit your turn, again!
[Mike] Run for mayor! All right!
Mayor? You as mayor?
[Bootsy] Ski accident, pay 5,000 dollars.
[James] Payday! [Mike] Baby boy!
[James] Stop having so many kids, you... fucking asshole.
Buy books and supplies, pay 5,000 dollars.
I already did that shit ten years ago in college.
You have a college degree?
Bioengineering.
[Mike] I win!
All right, guys. Well, that was fun. What do you wanna play next?
I got a game.
Dream Phone.
[Mike] Are you kidding me? [James] But this is a girl's game.
This is for a little girl.
That's a buncha hogwash. You guys are a buncha wise acres, huh?
This is a great game, trust me on this! Trust meee!
All right, if that's what you want.
All right. We're gonna play... Dream Phone.
All right, so, the goal of the game is to figure out
which one of these hunky guys likes you.
[Dream Phone, female voice] Hi! I just heard! It's not Steve.
[Mike] Oh...
[Dream Phone, male voice] I know where he hangs out. He's not at the beach.
[Dream Phone, male voice] He'll eat almost anything, except pizza.
[Dream Phone, male voice] Hello! I know who it is, but I'm not telling. Ha ha!
Fuck you! FUCK YOU! You piece of fucking shit!
♫ I keep dreamin', dreamin' 'bout my Dream Phone ♫
♫ I keep believin' he'll call me when I'm home alone ♫
♫ He's gonna make my dreams come true ♫
[James] First player who guesses their secret admirer wins the game.
♫ My bed has room enough for two ♫
♫ Yeah ♫
♫ I keep dreamin', dreamin' 'bout my Dream Phone ♫
Mom says "hang up!"
Oh, drop dead, Bootsy.
[Dream Phone, male voice] He looks cool in whatever he wears. He's not wearing a jacket.
[Bootsy] I'm gonna guess Gary.
(phone ringing)
[Dream Phone] Nice try, but it's not me.
♫ I keep callin' but no one hears ♫
♫ Please help dry up my tears ♫
All right, I think I'm gonna guess who it is.
(dialing)
♫ I keep dreamin', dreamin' 'bout my Dream Phone ♫
[Dream Phone] You're right! I really like you.
I win!
(scoffs) You know, whatever.
You guys have to admit... pretty fun game.
Well, I would hate to admit it, 'cause it's such like a girl game,
but it actually is pretty intense.
Who would've thought this game would be so awesome?!
Forget that it's targeted towards young girls;
it plays like a detective game--you really gotta think.
Like, imagine if it's the same exact game, same rules and everything,
but instead of trying to find a guy who likes you,
it's all about solving a murder case.
Yeah, it's kinda like Clue, actually.
Or like, um, like, ah, Candy Land!
[Mike] No.
I'm gonna go home, all right guys? Just gotta get going here--
Ah-w-w-w-w-w-w-wait up, man.
Before you go, I would like you to have this game.
I don't need it, I have plenty of games at home, so--
[Bootsy] Ah, it would look great in your collection, I insist. [Mike] Yeah, you should take it, you're a girly girl.
(laughs) Yeah you girly girl, yeah you girly girl.
Plus, I got like fifteen of these at home,
and you'd be really getting it out of my hair. Really.
I insist. Take it. It's on me! Thank me later.
I will. OK?
(crickets)
Bootsy, Bootsy, Bootsy...
(Dream Phone ringing)
[Dream Phone] Hello?
Hello?
[Dream Phone] Oh, hi.
[James] That's weird. [Dream Phone] That's weird.
You can hear me?
[Dream Phone] Yeah, I can hear you. Good evening.
Who is this?
[Dream Phone] I'm just a secret admirer. I really like you.
(Dream Phone ringing)
(annoyed) Hello?
[Dream Phone] Hi. Please don't hang up. I just want to get to know you, that's all.
Look, I don't know how you're doing this, but it's gotta stop, OK?
It's not funny anymore.
[Dream Phone] Hey, I'm just a normal guy. We have a lot in common.
[Dream Phone] I'm sure we could play some board games together.
[Dream Phone] You like board games, right?
Sure.
[Dream Phone] What's your favorite board game?
(Dream Phone ringing)
Cut it out!
[Dream Phone] Hey, please, don't hang up. We can talk about movies.
[Dream Phone] I see you're watching Night of the Living Dead.
You see what?!
[Dream Phone] That's a good scary movie.
You hear it. Of course. You must really know your movies.
[Dream Phone] I like that hat you're wearing.
What hat?! C'mon, what's on my hat?!
[Dream Phone] Thundercats. Ho!
[Dream Phone ringing]
That motherfucker.
(Dream Phone ringing)
[Dream Phone] You hung up on me again. You can't keep doing that.
[Dream Phone] You're gonna hurt my feelings. I get lonely all the time.
[Dream Phone] Go ahead, call your friend. Heh.
[Dream Phone] It's like a game. This is fun.
[Mike] Hello?
Hey Mike, come to the window.
[Dream Phone] What are you trying to prove here, James?
[Mike] OK, I'm here. What is it? [Dream Phone] Hey, did you hear? It's not Mike!
Nothing. Never mind.
[Dream Phone] You hang up on me again,
[Dream Phone] I'm gonna rip your intestines out and hang 'em from the ceiling.
[Bootsy] How you doing, James?
Hey, Bootsy. What're you up to?
[Bootsy] Eh, nothing. Just twiddling my thumbs.
Doing nothing, huh? You wanna come over?
[Bootsy] Really?
Yeah, play some Boggle, Super Mario Brothers?
[Bootsy] Or some Twister? Do you like breakdancing? Parcheesi maybe?
Yeah, come over.
I bet you can get over here pretty fast from wherever you are.
[Bootsy] Yeah, well, I don't know if you heard,
[Bootsy] I got my dick bit off by a shark last week,
[Bootsy] so uh, I'll try to speedwalk. Might take me a few.
All right, I'll see you.
Where is he?
(door creaks, shuts)
Bootsy?
(gasps)
Oh, shit!
Oh well, he's dead.
(Dream Phone ringing)
Listen, I'm gonna call the police right now.
[Dream Phone] You're gonna call the police when you have a dead body in the house?
[Dream Phone] Who do you think's gonna get the blame?
They'll trace the call, or... something. They'll find you.
[Dream Phone] [laughs] Trace what? What're you gonna tell them?
[Dream Phone] You got a call from a toy phone? From a girl's game?
What do you want from me?
[Dream Phone] I just want to play a game.
Who are you?!
[Dream Phone] Tell you what. We'll make it a guessing game.
[Dream Phone] You can ask me anything you want,
[Dream Phone] as long as it's a yes or no question.
'Kay. Are you in the house?
[Dream Phone] Yes.
Who the hell are you?!
[Dream Phone] That's not a yes or no question!
Drop dead, Bootsy.
Are you Mike?
[Dream Phone] Why don't you call him and find out?!
[Mike] Hello?
Mike, you better get over here right now,
it's a real emergency this time.
[Mike] Oh, no. Is this what I think it is?
No, it's not like last time.
The bucket, I never touched the damn thing since.
[Mike] All right, I'll be right there. [James] All right.
Come over here.
OK...
Look in the closet.
(softly) Closet...
Jesus fucking Christ! He's dead! Did you kill him?
No! Did you?
No!
Well, he's dead.
Yeah, heh.
(struggling, stabbing, groaning, choking sounds)
(screams)
(Dream Phone ringing)
[Dream Phone] I'm gonna cut your heart out and force it into your throat.
Where are you?
[Dream Phone] That's not a yes or no question!
The fuck are you?
[Dream Phone] (laughs)
Am I getting warmer?
[Dream Phone] You're already warm. Trust me.
The fuck are you?
[Dream Phone] C'mon, who am I? Take a guess.
[Dream Phone] You know who I am. Say my name.
[Dream Phone] In fact, I'll give you a hint: I'm closer than you think.
[Dream Phone] I've been watching you all night.
[Dream Phone] I'm gonna fuck you so hard steam's gonna come outta your ears
[Dream Phone] and your eyeballs are gonna come popping outta your fucking skull!
[Dream Phone] Who am I? Say my name, motherfucker!
[Dream Phone] I'm gonna grab your skull and gnaw your fucking face off
[Dream Phone] like a motherfucking rat!
[Dream Phone] Take a guess, if you have the balls. And I KNOW you have the balls.
[Dream Phone] (laughs) You can do better than that!
Oh, yeah? You can see me right now? Huh?
[Dream Phone] Yes.
Well then what am I doing right now?
[Dream Phone] Flipping the bird!
That's not a yes or no question.
Now tell me right now, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!
[Dream Phone] (laughs)
Heh, you can't see me now, you demented fucker!
[Dream Phone] Hah, no I can't. I can't see those gorgeous flowers on your head.
[Dream Phone] Boy, does that make you look fantastic.
I'm in the closet! How can you see me?!
[Dream Phone] Well, you sure got a HOLD on me!
[Dream Phone] (laughs)
(gasps, yells)
Fuck!
[Dream Phone] I just want to be your Dream Phone!
[Dream Phone] Where you going? James! Where you going, James?
[Dream Phone] I'm just gonna slit your FUCKING THROAT OPEN!
(yells in pain)
[Dream Phone] Hold steady!
(laughing nervously)
[Dream Phone] Here it comes!
[Dream Phone] (grunts)
C'mon, you fucking piece of shit!
(screaming)
Die in fucking hell, you piece of shit!
[Dream Phone] (yells in pain)
I'll kick your asterisk, you hot pink piece of shit!
You always want me to hit pound? Well here's your fucking pound!
1-900-FUCK-YOU!
Dial the operator? I'll show you how my fucking fist operates!
[Dream Phone] Why, let me outta here, please!
[Dream Phone] (screams) No! No!
(explosion)
(microwave beeps)
(sirens)
♫ I keep dreamin', dreamin' 'bout my dream phone ♫
♫ I keep believin' he'll call me when I'm home alone ♫
♫ He's gonna make my dreams come true ♫
♫ I keep callin' but no one hears ♫
♫ Please help dry up my tears ♫
♫ Yeah ♫
♫ I keep dreamin', dreamin' 'bout my dream phone ♫
[Dream Phone] You're right! I really like you.